Guest story: Practical senior sex after radical prostatectomy
By Pratap and Jeannie Mehta
Here is some of the “nitty gritty” detail of practical senior sex: how we have maintained and extended our intimate relationship ten years after my radical prostatectomy, and into my 80s and my wife’s 70s. This is a companion piece to our relationship story of the ten years since radical prostatectomy.
We’re both retired and live on our own. Being together for 59 years has given us a lot of opportunity to enjoy a very active sex life (only with each other!) both before and after my robotic radical prostatectomy ten years ago. Our love for each other has been at the core of this. It’s also been important in keeping our relationship full of fun, humour and arguments.
Sharing our intimate times
Ours is a long story … and here’s a typical intimate scenario. We’re sharing it, even though it feels strange that we are sharing the most intimate aspect of our relationship with people we don’t know! More about our helping intentions in a future post.
Sometimes during the day my wife might say ‘let’s have sex” (surprisingly she is generally the one to initiate day-time sex and therefore it’s very exciting for me of course).
Covid-19 has been responsible for an uptick in the amount of daytime sex in our house. We would go up to bed and, for some reason this reminds me of our student days in the sixties, and just basically please each other by being gentle and loving by touch and voice, and of course cuddling and kissing.
Our favourite toy: the Eroscillator
Part of the foreplay involves my using quite a powerful vibrator, known as an Eroscillator. It has several attachments and is the only one approved by Dr Ruth, the well-known sex therapist in the States. No, not the Hitachi Wand type, which is ridiculously powerful and designed for elephants, I think.
This is an incredibly sensitive toy. Unlike normal vibrators, it oscillates in the horizontal plane. Conventional vibrators have an up and down, vertical action. Therefore, the action simulates that of a finger on erotic spots such as the clitoris or the frenulum (the most sensitive spot on the penis).
This gets us both excited, but on my part I have no erection and therefore there is no urgency. It is quite amazing how long this foreplay can last since I am in no rush. When she is very excited she’ll say, ‘why don’t you go and pump yourself up before you make me go’.
Practicalities of senior sex: vacuum pump and vaginal moisturiser
So I disappear into our bathroom with my VED. While waiting for me she may read because she is an author and a great reader. After ten years with the pump, I have turned the process of achieving an erection into a fine art and am able to do so in less than ten minutes.
Because my wife is waiting in bed, the process of using the pump is quite erotic and exciting. When I ‘apologise’ for keeping her waiting she says, ‘You’re worth it!’
Recently we have found a lubricant or vaginal moisturiser called “YES” (which she applies from a pre-filled single-use applicator while waiting for me to achieve an erection using the pump). There is a whole range for ‘him’ and ‘her’. We have tried various ones but settled, for now, with this. We have found KY Jelly rather messy and it is too slippery and does not allow for an easy orgasm because of lack of sufficient friction.
At our age the advantage for us, when my wife uses the YES moisturiser is that I do not have to use any myself. The texture and feel of this lubricant is quite different from KY Jelly; for both my wife and me, the feel is very natural and therefore very pleasurable. For a woman to use this lubricant there is a further advantage, to quote from the YES website:
“….the vaginal lubricant is a pH balanced moisturising water based lubricant for women with mild to moderate vaginal dryness for use during intercourse. The water is released quickly to help lubricate dry vaginal tissue to make sex more comfortable.”
We thoroughly recommend YES. No, we don’t get a commission!
Practicing with the pump
With the experience I have gained over nine years now, I can achieve an erection as strong as when we first met, in our twenties; this is a great bonus for me and for her too.
What’s not to like about the pump? No implants, no injections and no need to take Viagra which often does not work and very often causes headaches…for the man!
When you buy a pump the instructions and videos are useful but they do not cover the nitty-gritty; it is like learning to ride a bike without getting on it! The main problem when using a pump is that because of the position of the ring, the penis is very floppy at the base. Some people call this the “hinge effect.” You have to be careful not to hurt yourself or even damage the penis when in the erect state. This could be serious. More about using a vacuum pump (VED) during lovemaking.
I can say a great deal more about types of pumps and rings. Ring choice is a vital issue and requires trial and error to select the most appropriate one(s). It takes time and patience to figure out the actual mechanics of achieving and sustaining erections without hurting yourself.
Exploring positions to suit our bodies
Practical senior sex needs to take account of our changing bodies. If you use the missionary position you have to very careful! For this reason, we use different positions, ‘spoon sex’ position is our favourite. Since a woman’s orgasm mostly requires stimulation of her clitoris, we use a combination of both manual stimulation by me and my wife uses the vibrator after penetration. This is one of the benefits of using the spoon-sex position. The result is magical sustained orgasms for both of us…tantric sex but with orgasms!
Oral sex: learning new ways into our 80s
Because of the erection ring/s on the penis there is no discharge of urine (almost inevitable in erotic situations after prostate surgery) at orgasm. This means that Jeannie can give me oral sex. It helps that I can use the pump to control the size of my erect penis to suit her, because my full erection is uncomfortable for her to accommodate.
For oral sex we get into the 69 position so that while she gives me oral sex, I use the Eroscillator to stimulate her. I am very much in control of orgasm timing, maintaining our excitement and pleasure for a long time. This is great because I tease her clitoris until she can’t wait. This is new for us and it is a fantastic experience for us both.