12 March 2020: Spiritual and energetic healing practices help me get through difficult nights. I am grateful to my wonderful somatic coach, Vanissar Tarakali. She gave me a wonderful ritual to direct energy and compassion towards the parts of my body that have been cut open and poked about. This complements the unconscious natural processes.
It’s hard to get through the nights
I’m completely off the pain medication, and my pelvic area is more tender and achy than really sore. But deeper down I am disturbed. I often feel weak and weepy, scared, vulnerable and tired. I am up every hour or two at night to pee. After that I tend to lie awake and feel bad. On top of that, yesterday it was really sore passing urine until a lump of blood came out. At low times the voice in my head says “all this effort and discomfort and all I can look forward to is getting back to a bit less than I was.” The way ahead at night looks like a long tunnel just getting darker and darker.
Healing and immune boosting touch
Vanissar’s immune boosting and healing ritual is one thing I can hold onto during those sleepless scared patches in the night. It’s about resting my own healing touch on the parts of my abdomen that have been cut and bruised, and breathing energy and love into them. There’s a lovely hand-over-hand cycle. It starts at the groin and moves progressively up, more or less in tandem with the chakras, guided by Vanissar’s biological map plus my own intuitive sense of where it hurts and needs care.
More body, less mind. Hand over hand, breathing energy in circuits through my body. Hand over hand, sending love to the cauterised flesh. Hand over hand, inviting new growth amongst the scarring.
Bigger picture: when I breathe deeply, accept my current situation, and consciously direct my care and attention inwards, it feels good. Peace spreads. My fears don’t go away, but they subside a little.
Daytime healing priorities
During the days, I am getting used to prioritising healing and close family time over work “out there.” It’s getting easier to say “No.” Also that spiritual fogginess is starting to clear a little with resuming daily yoga on our lawn. This morning we were back to our full 30-minute morning yoga set: I can feel the post-operative sticky cramped feeling in my body and soul begin to clear.
I have learned that a lot of the pain in my abdomen comes from the carbon dioxide gas they use to inflate the belly and push organs out of the way while performing the surgery deep inside me. It’s a low ache rather than a sharp pain, and I suppose it is much better than using scalpels or hard clamps to clear space.
Walking, yoga and healthy eating in the days, healing touch at night are helping me through.