4 Dec 2019 I got the results of my MRI scan today – PIRADS level 4. Google says it means 80% likely it’s prostate cancer. Pretty upsetting. I am very hopeful about catching it soon. They say no signs of spreading beyond the prostate.

The worst is, my friend who got it ten years ago says “they will definitely start with hormone therapy and that will be the end of your sex life.” Yikes!

Daytime: Gratitude

On waking, my thoughts are about gratitude for

  • Loving family
  • Emotional and spiritual resources
  • Practical resources

Night-time: Futility

What goes on in my head in the middle of the night is not so pretty:

  • It’s futile staying fit because I have cancer
  • It’s futile searching for my missing erection because the cancer treatment will end my sex life anyway
  • It’s futile lying awake thinking about cancer, because I am going to die.


There’s joy in every act, every moment of being. That doesn’t depend on how many more moments are still to come, or getting better at life. Just the pleasure of being alive, being connected, both to self and to others and far beyond that.