By Anonymous

I was 60 years old when diagnosed with prostate cancer and got radiotherapy treatment for 37 days and hormone suppression treatment (ADT) for 3 years. It felt like I was in a dream and that I was looking at myself and yet not recognising myself. It wasn’t me that had the cancer, it was somebody else.

Sexless relationship – and best friends

Before my treatment, my partner and I had been in a sexless relationship for some while. It was always easier to masturbate than go through the performance of trying to have sex with her. It had become too much of a challenge and just wasn’t fun. Once I started on the hormone treatment, even masturbation stopped. It was like I had become gender neutral. Once the man boobs arrived, well, I just didn’t know what to think.

My partner and I are best friends and do everything together except sex. It’s as if she and I need each other to survive but don’t need each other for the sex.

Growing interest in other men

After treatment, I began to enjoy fantasizing more about sex with men. I had always found the idea of gay sex to be wrong but as the hormone treatment took over, I became increasingly aware of my interest in men. Indeed, my catholic religion forbids it – a real problem.

But now I allow myself to go further, and really enjoy imagining another man sticking his hand down my pants. I also enjoy watching most images of legal porn. And I yearn for the chance to talk to a man, face to face and yes, touch each other.

Confusion and frustration

Recently, my partner and I managed to reopen our sexual relationship. It was a welcome surprise but I think it will prove to be just as elusive in the future as it has been in the past 5 years.

How I feel about all of this now, five years after my treatment, is complete confusion and frustration. All I want is for sex with my partner but in my heart of hearts, I doubt that will happen. In the same way, sex with a man will never happen.